Well, I’m in the dog house. Which is an expression I don’t understand since my crib is pretty cool. Flat screen tube, a kick’n surround sound (very cool in an igloo shaped doggie pad), posters of my favorite dog heroes, and even a slot machine that gives out kibbles on a pay out.
No, instead I’m in that dog house. The dog house I guess dad gets into with mom on a regular basis. I thought when he was in the dog house he had a cool crash pad….but now I know the bitter truth. This proverbial dog house sucks.
It appears I have been a bit of a bully to my fellow paw friends. Now I would never hurt anyone, but apparently smack talk is not tolerated in this house or at day care. Enough barking around here- let me cut to the chase.
Last week I was giving lip to this other dog, who shall remain nameless but his two-legged’s name has a J and rhymes with hen. Anybark, I start my trash talk, nothing serious, just random stuff like “you’re so ugly, you must have had you butt shaved and learned to walk backwards”, and “your face looks like you’ve been chasing parked cars”. So anyway this dogs all huffy and goes off on me. Guess who gets in trouble? Yep, me. Because I was trash talking. What ever happened to “sticks and stones”? Ummmm…. good question what did happen to them? He is so lucky I didn’t whip out my Ninja skills. I was about to when his baby-sitter stepped in to save his tail.
Then on Sunday afternoon Dad is sleeping on the trampoline. I had just finished putting the “Little Rat” in his place. This is a pip-squeek dog always messing with me at the fence next to my kennel. This thing is supposed to be a dog, but it looks like a “Cross Breeds Gone Wild”. Seriously, this thing escaped from a DNA exchange program. Anyway the little rodent tried to get lippy with me at the fence and I charged it pretty hard. Waking Dad from his slumber I got yelled at.
Like most things with Dad, I blew it off and pranced across the yard and decided to take on the other neighbor dog. I can’t ever remember his name but the last time I saw him he was a little squirt. Anyway I decided to go over and give him a piece of me. So I get an extra head start at the fence and charge as hard as I can with my war cry.
There were two things out of balance in my universe at this point. The first was that Dad fell asleep looking at the fence slats he needed to replace. We have several slats that are getting a bit worn out and brittle. Apparently it was not interesting enough to ponder since he went to sleep thinking about it. The other thing, that little squirt got big! Ninja skills don’t work when the universe is out of balance otherwise I would have Tai-Bowed his Puppy Chow mug. As he charged the fence in response to me, he broke through! I then noticed two additional things at this point, how deep his bark had grown and how shallow the puddle I left on the ground….
And who gets blamed? Me of course. I am grounded, Dad is fixing a fence, and the whole time Ranger just sat there looking at me. Didn’t even have my back!
So I need some confidence building and need to learn discipline. I signed up for Dog Kung Fu lessons. Dog Kung Fu also known as Góuquán is a form of Chinese martial arts from China. It specializes in takedowns and ground fighting. Just what I need to back up my bark! I’m also buying some dog boxing gloves to train with. This should be cool. Guess I will have to get Dad’s credit card and order the MMA Ultimate Fighter package this weekend!
As always….Keeping under the radar…..for now